Homecoming to ourselves
Have you ever experienced moments of disconnect? Instances where you felt lost or disconnected from your soul’s true essence. The feeling of being a stranger to yourself, having no clue about who you truly are nor what you want in life. Yet going through the motion of life feeling haphazard, as if you are at the whim and mercy of every wave life seems to send your way.
If you may wonder, life isn’t doing that to harm or hurt you, it happens because we are simply not rooted within ourselves at the moment. Life is simple rather, life is what happens for you rather than what happened to you. Everything happens at the exact precision of the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You may not like it, but it just feels easier if you do.
Whether you had lost yourself in your job, your role as a parent, or felt simply lost in life in general, you are not alone. It neither mean your life is doomed nor you would find yourselves again. It need not have to happen that way. It may simply mean that you are experiencing a period of incubation and transformation. The key is not to get stuck and fixated in your current lost state but to start tapping into your dormant creative power within to create the life you would love living and imagining. In other words, life needs to flow rather than be stagnant. We create resistance where there is stagnation in it.
When we lose ourselves, what it means is that we have lost our way, our direction in life, our end goal, our carefully charted course that we once found ourselves barreling down. We had lost the drive we used to use to propel us. We had lost the vision we once used to light the path ahead. We feel lost when the tools we have used to build our past no longer apply to our future and we often mistake those tools for ourselves.
But here is the truth about being lost — we are only as lost as we are in denial.
When we fixate on clinging onto memories of the past and experiences so that they will not fleet away while the future looks bleak and daunting for us to touch, we call it lost. When what had been is so painfully appealing compared to what is coming up next for us, we call it lost. We would rather choose to feel lost than to be found in this new place of discomfort. And so we bury away our coordinates, we toss away our compasses. And we declare ourselves citizens of no-mans-land.
The truth about being lost is that we choose it when we weren’t ready to be found yet.
Because getting found happens wherever you are. It is not the recovery of the person we used to be but the release and abandonment of what had no longer served us. The willingness to set fire to the ghost of who we had known while being open to whatever comes next that life had to offer.
“You are not who you were yesterday. You are not who you will be tomorrow. You are who you are today.” — Tom Krause
We simply don’t get found by carrying the past into the present. You get found by deciding to chart your new course and by acknowledging it’s time to move on.
Getting found, by definition, is the simple act of recognizing where you are. You do not need to retrace your steps, send a smoke signal, or ask for directions to elsewhere. It is the simple recognition that you are somewhere new now. Somewhere different and challenging and less than ideal, maybe. But there you are. And to find yourself somewhere new, you simply need to start walking.
Why do we lose touch with our true self?
The False Self
The false self is an artificial persona that people create very early in life to protect themselves from re-experiencing developmental trauma, shock, and stress in close relationships. Your egoic false self is who you think you are, but your thinking does not render it true. Your false self is a social and mental construct to get you started on your life journey.
It is a set of agreements between you and your parents, family, school chums, partner or spouse, culture, and religion. It is your ‘container’ in which you operate from. Often, we had to be unnaturally attuned to the demands of our parents, sensing we had to comply to be loved and tolerated; we had to be false before we had the chance to feel properly alive. And this continues in our educational systems and careers. We frequently put on a mask and a persona to comply with our teachers, bosses, colleagues, partners, and friends.
Meaning, that this false self delusionary self-creation process starts as early as in our childhood when we are conditioned to put on a mask and persona which is largely defined in distinction from others, precisely as your separate and unique self. Despite it being necessary to get us started, it becomes problematic when we are fixated and stuck where we fall into the trap of spending the rest of our lives promoting and protecting a false persona and identity.
Factors where you struggled to find yourself.
1# You were raised in a dysfunctional family
Our childhood experiences impact our adult life and day-to-day existence tremendously. Why? The answer is that our childhood years were our developmental years: they created the foundation of the beliefs, behaviours, and values we carry today. Those raised in dysfunctional families tend to develop a weak sense of self because, as children, all their energy is invested externally. When a child must be hyper-vigilant to protect him/herself against abandonment, abuse, etc., they would have no energy left to play, explore, and enjoy life.
In other words, a child’s identity becomes frail and dependent on the external world for validation which results in limited amounts of inner energy left to expand and develop. A child would then be restricted to operate in survival mode and live in the constant state of fight or flight for chronic periods which then develops into personality disorders and mental health complications in adult life.
Dysfunctional families often have strict roles in which no one is permitted to be an individual (this is called enmeshment) or grow and change.
Any deviation from what “I am supposed to be and do” is punished, therefore being an individual is equated with suffering for the child.
It’s no wonder that so many people are terrified, deep down, of finding who they truly are! Not only were they prevented from being their true selves as children — and not only did they likely have no true authentic role models — but they were punished for being genuine!
2# You’ve developed low self-esteem
Either as a result of being raised in a dysfunctional family or through life circumstances, low self-esteem can also be a reason why you struggle to learn how to find yourself.
One step deeper than self-esteem is self-worth — or how fundamentally worthy as a human being you believe you are.
It would be very difficult to find your true self if you have adopted the core wound that echoes, “There’s something wrong with me”, “I’m bad”, “I’m unlovable”, etc. On an unconscious level, it says that you don’t believe you are worthy of finding yourself!
Think of the mind as a mirror. The more gunk and dirt smeared across the mirror in the form of false beliefs and attitudes, the harder it will be to see yourself clearly. To see yourself clearly and learn how to find yourself, you need to wipe that mirror clean.
3# Social media influences
The media, as omnipresent as it is, when you turn on your TV, it’s there. Go to the shops, it’s there. Read the online newspaper, it’s there. Scroll through Google, it’s there. Use your favourite shampoo, it’s there. When you observe the overarching message sent by mass media, you’ll see that it always centres around making you feel like you need more: More shiny hair, clearer skin, a slimmer body, nicer shoes, whiter teeth, smoother legs, better sex … more, more, more.
One level deeper than that is the idea that “you’re not good enough as you are.”
It’s in the interest of companies, products, online personalities, publishers, etc. to make you unhappy with yourself, to throw a smokescreen over your eyes, and cause you to forget who you are. It makes you chase a person who you think you must be, which in turn makes them a fat profit!
I’ll repeat that again: it’s in the interest of mass media to make you forget who you are because it makes them money. It makes them powerful. It makes them important. And without your insecurity, they wouldn’t have that kind of power.
4# You’re surrounded by people who reinforce inauthenticity
As the saying goes, misery loves company, and another that quotes your vibe attracts your tribe. We attract those who vibe with us and reciprocate with people who mirror and affirm our values and beliefs, mainly what we subconsciously feel about ourselves at the core.
We tend to attract the same type of noxious people who act as echo chambers in our lives when we have low self-esteem & high self-doubt about our identity. Why does this happen?
The answer is that we attract toxic people because our ego-self feels that they are what we deserve.
“You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.” — Amy Poehler
When we surround ourselves with people who are also confused about who they truly are and their identity, it gets comfortable and non-confrontational. But when we’re around a person who exudes a calm, grounded, centred presence, we’re intimidated. We feel vulnerable. We feel insecure because we haven’t found that within ourselves yet. The people we surround ourselves with most of the time can make it damn hard for us to learn how to find ourselves due to groupthink and herd mentality.
Furthermore, on some level, we know that if we do choose to embark on this soul-searching adventure, we may likely lose our friendships. The structure of our lives will crumble. We may wind up feeling alone. (And that’s another reason preventing us from finding ourselves!)
5# Your daily habits, commitments, and life choices
Finally, the centrepiece that builds on all previous points mentioned is our habits.
The material, the bulk of our lives can become cluttered very easily by soul-desecrating, empty, meaningless, and phoney commitments. These life choices can quickly build into prison walls that keep us feeling stuck and entrapped. They reinforce our self-alienation and inauthenticity, and it can be very hard to liberate ourselves from them.
Steps to reconnect with ourselves again.
Solitude
Solitude is powerful and it is the very first step to finding and becoming yourself again. In solitude, we can distance ourselves from the noise that once cluttered our minds that surrounded and confused us.
By solitude, I mean absolutely no contact with friends, colleagues, social media, etc. Solitude means simply being with yourself without distraction. One great way to do this is through meditation.
No, you need not have to drop everything to become a hermit. Simply designate a few hours a week to solitude. If you need to drive somewhere to be alone, do it. If you need to barricade yourself in a room to be alone, do it.
What we would want to do here is to get quiet and listen to the signs, messages and guideposts that would inspire us to act on them. We only notice them when we are open to it. With the mind chattered and the busyness around us, it may get difficult for us to recognize them. Therefore, we must get quiet to listen to them in solitude. Our intuition gets louder in solitude. Thus, we can listen to our gut feelings and divine guidance which may help us advance on our path. Your key to finding yourself may very well be on a billboard or come to you as a thought in the shower.
Mindfulness & Meditation
Being present in our lives and connecting to the stillness within is a huge component of feeling grounded and rooted. Mindfulness is bringing yourself into the present moment as often as you can throughout the day.
The power of this practice is that you become less and less lost in the “illusion” and drama of life, and more connected to the observer that is always present within. You are lifted into the bigger picture rather than being lost in the woods.
Meditation is another practice that will keep you connected within. This can be done for fifteen minutes after waking, before going to bed, or anytime you’re able to find the opportunity. You can meditate with the intention to silence your mind or do one of the many guided meditations that are found all over the internet.
Self-care: Giving yourself what you need
Self-care is doing certain things every day that help you stay centered and rooted within yourself. It may also includes things that you might not necessarily feel like doing that could improve your overall well-being.
Get out a sheet of paper and create two categories. At the top of one side, put the “Things that make me feel disconnected/bad” and on the other side “Things that make me feel connected/good”. An example of things that were detrimental to our well-being may be: spending too much time on social media, mess and clutters at home, not spending time outdoors, etc.. Things that may make us feel connected are activities like reading, meditation, journaling, going for walks, cleaning, etc..
Look at your list and come up with a self-care routine that works for you.
It is incredibly helpful to become aware of our behaviors and actions that were detriment and replace them with activities that make us feel calm and connected inside.
Travel and explore your passions
You’ll need to make a conscious effort to break out of your usual routines to find yourself. While you don’t need to book a six-month vacation to Bali, you do need to branch out and try new things.
Whether it’s a day trip, a solitary retreat, or a week-long drive along the coast, go out and explore the world. This will not only allow you to tap into the flow, but it will also give you the time and focus to reconnect with yourself again. You’ll be away from the noise of your regular life and will be able to see and experience the world with fresh eyes. I promise, when you come back you will have far more clarity about where you are going than you had when you started.
If you’re not the travelling type, you may choose to do some armchair travelling in which you purchase a book that looks helpful or watch an inspiring documentary. The idea here it gain various perspectives on what your passion may be. Who you are at your core is very much entwined with what you’re passionate about.
Your passion is your calling in life, and when you’re not in touch with your passion, life feels dull and flat. The zest and spark of life emerge when you know what your personal mission is — and to find that, you need to do some inner (and sometimes outer) exploration.
Hobbies and new interests
Having hobbies and activities that you do regularly brings more energy and fun into your life. Exploring new interests could include anything that you’ve ever enjoyed doing to things that you’ve been curious about. If you’ve always wanted to crochet, go get some beginner tools and crochet something! Start going on hikes, or cooking things you’ve never made.
Trying new things helps you to explore yourself and brings more pleasure into your life.
Going beyond the comfort zone
It’s time to get uncomfortable by trying new things and meeting new people. Growth doesn’t happen by staying in your bubble of comfort where everything is familiar. Challenge yourself to do something that is slightly terrifying, yet invigorating. That is what I like to call the zone. It’s the space where you are stretching yourself just enough to continue to grow and evolve. What’s the first thing that came to mind for you? Go do that!
Assessing Relationships
Our relationships are probably the biggest factors in our lives when it comes to our quality of life and satisfaction. It’s important to be as honest as you can be with yourself when assessing your relationships and where you want them to be.
Make a list of the important people in your life that you interact with frequently. Under each name, assess whether the relationship is in good standing or if you’d like to improve it. Does more quality time need to be spent with this person? Or perhaps less time would be more healthy.
If a relationship is less defined but takes up a significant portion of your energy, perhaps place some boundaries around it to seal up any energy leaks. Define what you get from the relationship and what you are willing to give to it, and don’t allow yourself to do more than that.
Say goodbye to people and commitments that reinforce inauthenticity
You have the right to find yourself, be yourself, and walk a path that is true to yourself. Don’t let others drag you down. Don’t let poor habits and commitments sabotage your efforts to make positive changes.
Self-development teacher Jim Rohn famously stated once “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who will those five people be? And what will they bring to your life?
Make an inventory of all the people and commitments in your life right now. Next to each, weigh up the pros and cons. Do they enrich your life or impoverish it?
It might be scary to redesign your life from the ground up, but it’s worth doing if you want to make real change. Try to find friends and commitments that honour your right to be self-sovereign.
Your birthright to be self-sovereign
Being self-sovereign means stepping into the role of ultimate authority within your life. When we practice self-sovereignty we realize that no one else is responsible for living our lives but us. We realize that no one else can dictate what we should do but us. We realize that our lives are our creations — and what works for others doesn’t necessarily work for us.
To be self-sovereign means to step into the role of King or Queen of your life. Instead of seeking validation and approval from others like a beggar, you turn inwards and find that acceptance within yourself. Often, those who struggle to find themselves don’t believe they have the fundamental right to be self-sovereign. Instead, they believe that they need to play by society’s rules in order to be acceptable. To realize that you have the right (and responsibility) to be self-sovereign is a simple mindset shift that can create massive, unfathomably intense ripples of change in your life.
One of the best ways to start being self-sovereign is to define who you are and who you aren’t.
Here are some journaling prompts that will help you to step into the role of self-sovereignty:
- What do I like and dislike?
- What is my style?
- What does beauty mean to me?
- What does success mean to me?
- What does happiness mean to me?
- Who do I think I am (vs. who others think I am)?
You’ll know that you’re successfully answering these questions if you have to pause and think a lot. It can take a lot of digging to find our true thoughts, feelings, and beliefs AND distinguish them from society’s perceptions. But keep at it!
Remember you have the power to be, have, and do anything you desire.
Sometimes the feeling of being lost is all-consuming and you forget that you get to choose what you think and how you feel. You are given a great amount of power to create the life you desire and get the answers you are looking for. Whether you use affirmations, mantras, meditation, yoga, journaling or something else, it’s important to focus on the beauty and joy around you. When you do that, the Universe sends you more of the same, including the answers you are seeking.
Final Thoughts
While we may occasionally feel lost at certain junctures or disconnected, life is like a river that needs to flow. A river that dams up will overflow. Similarly we would feel overwhelmed when we are stagnant in life. We each need to grow, evolve and change, be accountable for our growth and personal development. Change is the ever constant.
Having accountablility and soveireignty over our lives gives us a sense of empowerment where we have control over. When we foster a deeper connection to understand ourselves and how we each function, navigating through life when we are not the victim of our circumstance or environment gets easier. Who we are is who we choose to be and show up intentionally.
At the same time, be gentle and patient with yourself as you embark the journey to reclaim what was disconnected or lost. A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step.
Love you all & Stay high vibe.
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